yes I'm doing this again

[ysobel]

So I, uh. /shuffles feet awkwardly/ I kinda need y'alls' help?

Okay, so, I'm kind of having a depressive attack this week, which is kind of obvious if you a) read my journal and/or b) hang out with me on IRC. (I have been kind oozing ughselfhate in both places. I try to suppress it, I really do, and I know that any amount is kind of obnoxious to watch or deal with or anything.

And one of the ways my depression manifests in my head is a combination of ... not just black-and-white thinking, but skewed black-and-white, where anything less than absolute perfection is unacceptable failure ... and also a tendency to obsess over the black areas. And so right now literally all I can see of myself is the failures, both in terms of inaction (not living up to my "potential", whatever that is) and in terms of action (I did X imperfectly, therefore I am a horrible human being failing at being an adult).

I know intellectually that there has to be something about me that isn't complete and utter failure. I know intellectually that you all have reasons for associating with me. (This is progress.) But I can't see it, can't know it in an emotional level.

So, uh.

If you want to, and if you see something non-faily about me, plz to be commenting with that something? Just so I have some idea of what other people see?

♥

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I don't comment much, because often I don't know what to say, but I read your posts and am mentally cheering you on quite often!

I am so impressed with your sense of humor, your ability generally despite the depression to keep things in perspective, your interest in trying new things, like spanish. And I am very impressed with the singing thing! That's something I wish I had pursued. Perhaps it's not too late.

I cheer for you in your personnel trials, and I admire you very much. I'm glad you're here. Thank you for posting.

[lferion]

I really admire your determination and resourcefulness. I think you have a wonderful sense of humor, and have often seen things in new ways after reading one of your posts.

[azurelunatic]

You have this amazing wry sense of humor. You have applied ingenuity -- regardless that you sort of have to figure out how to make adaptive solutions to an inaccessible world, you're still doing a lot of it, and it's not something that 100% has to be done for you, even if a lot of the execution is other people's hands, you're still an involved part of the process. You can write. You're able to share the stuff you've done imperfectly even when you're ashamed of it, which is something I admire -- there are a lot of things that I never talk about because I know it was a poor show on my part that led to other people being unhappy or disappointed or hurt, even though I talk cheerfully about other stuff that I fucked up at where there wasn't much of a fallout with other people. You have pets that you love.

[echan]

You write here! And share! You write so much about yourself, I really wish I could do the same thing, or even anything close. I feel so close-mouthed by comparison, but I'm not trying to shut anyone out, I'm just terrible with words. I envy your journalling!

[vass]

I admire your commitment to learning. Over the time I've known you, you've always been learning something new - a language, a piece of music, a craft, dog training.

[synecdochic]

One of the many things I love about you, in addition to what other people have already said, is how unrelentingly and consistently you are kind to people. You have such a generosity of spirit.

[shoaling_souls]

you are really good at writing. you are kind to other people.

[kaberett]

I consistently admire you, and you consistently inspire me, in my DW volunteering and elsewise. I will make a point of pointing out other occasions as they happen; but also I so very thoroughly recognise the despair when one's body misbehaves and - yes, it is awful, well done you for coping with it as much as you do, and I think occasional WANTING OUT is inevitable and easy to sympathise with. So - <3, and if you wanna grab me for tea & sympathy any time I'm on IRC you are welcome to.

[ephemera]

you are kind, and smart, and resourceful, and persistant, and creative, and your posts often help me see the world from a different angle.

*virtual tea*