yes I'm doing this again

[ysobel]

So I, uh. /shuffles feet awkwardly/ I kinda need y'alls' help?

Okay, so, I'm kind of having a depressive attack this week, which is kind of obvious if you a) read my journal and/or b) hang out with me on IRC. (I have been kind oozing ughselfhate in both places. I try to suppress it, I really do, and I know that any amount is kind of obnoxious to watch or deal with or anything.

And one of the ways my depression manifests in my head is a combination of ... not just black-and-white thinking, but skewed black-and-white, where anything less than absolute perfection is unacceptable failure ... and also a tendency to obsess over the black areas. And so right now literally all I can see of myself is the failures, both in terms of inaction (not living up to my "potential", whatever that is) and in terms of action (I did X imperfectly, therefore I am a horrible human being failing at being an adult).

I know intellectually that there has to be something about me that isn't complete and utter failure. I know intellectually that you all have reasons for associating with me. (This is progress.) But I can't see it, can't know it in an emotional level.

So, uh.

If you want to, and if you see something non-faily about me, plz to be commenting with that something? Just so I have some idea of what other people see?

♥

Comments

[azurelunatic]

You have this amazing wry sense of humor. You have applied ingenuity -- regardless that you sort of have to figure out how to make adaptive solutions to an inaccessible world, you're still doing a lot of it, and it's not something that 100% has to be done for you, even if a lot of the execution is other people's hands, you're still an involved part of the process. You can write. You're able to share the stuff you've done imperfectly even when you're ashamed of it, which is something I admire -- there are a lot of things that I never talk about because I know it was a poor show on my part that led to other people being unhappy or disappointed or hurt, even though I talk cheerfully about other stuff that I fucked up at where there wasn't much of a fallout with other people. You have pets that you love.