yes I'm doing this again

[ysobel]

So I, uh. /shuffles feet awkwardly/ I kinda need y'alls' help?

Okay, so, I'm kind of having a depressive attack this week, which is kind of obvious if you a) read my journal and/or b) hang out with me on IRC. (I have been kind oozing ughselfhate in both places. I try to suppress it, I really do, and I know that any amount is kind of obnoxious to watch or deal with or anything.

And one of the ways my depression manifests in my head is a combination of ... not just black-and-white thinking, but skewed black-and-white, where anything less than absolute perfection is unacceptable failure ... and also a tendency to obsess over the black areas. And so right now literally all I can see of myself is the failures, both in terms of inaction (not living up to my "potential", whatever that is) and in terms of action (I did X imperfectly, therefore I am a horrible human being failing at being an adult).

I know intellectually that there has to be something about me that isn't complete and utter failure. I know intellectually that you all have reasons for associating with me. (This is progress.) But I can't see it, can't know it in an emotional level.

So, uh.

If you want to, and if you see something non-faily about me, plz to be commenting with that something? Just so I have some idea of what other people see?

♥

Comments

[echan]

You write here! And share! You write so much about yourself, I really wish I could do the same thing, or even anything close. I feel so close-mouthed by comparison, but I'm not trying to shut anyone out, I'm just terrible with words. I envy your journalling!