(no subject)

[ysobel]

Oh, also, apparently I am a better verbal storyteller than I think.

Someone asked me yesterday during the group I go to on Mondays (it's not really a support group, more of a meaning group, but I just call it Group) to tell the story of -- well, first she asked for the story of Job, but starting before the whale, to which I asked if she meant Jonah, and it turned out that yes, yes she did.

So I said something along these lines:

So once upon a time there was this guy named Jonah, and one day God came to him and said "you must go to the city of Nineveh and tell them to repentance" because they were bad people there.

Job said "nuh-uh I don't wanna" and got on a ship going somewhere that *wasn't* Nineveh. So God said "You think you have a choice, that's adorable" and sent this huge storm to sink the ship. And the sailors were all freaking out, but Jonah said "I think it's my fault, throw me overboard." "...you *sure*? Okayyyy." And they threw him overboard, and the storm ceased, and Jonah got swallowed up by a giant fish.

For three years.

Until he finally said "Uh, God, I'm sorry", and so God had the giant fish bleahhhhh him up onto the shore. And God said "Go to Nineveh and tell them to repent." And Jonah said "fine, whatever," and he went to Nineveh and was such a good preacher that they all repented and God didn't have to destroy them.

Then Jonah got kinda pissed off, because he'd spent all this time telling the people of Nineveh that they were screwed, and then God made him look like a liar because there was no destruction. So he said "I'm going to kill myself by lying in the sun and dying of exposure." And God sent a plant to grow and shade him, and Jonah went "well, fuck." And then Gos sent a worm to eat the plant so it stopped shading him, and Jonah went "well, fuck". And God told him not to worry so much, the end.

Apparently my version is more entertaining (and probably more theologically incorrect) than, say, the KJV.

Comments

[krait]

Hee!

I always liked the little follow-up story about the plant, because it's just... so human nature! A city of thousands might die? Well good on 'em, I didn't make 'em tick off God, they can do their own repenting! A plant I have hung out with for a couple of months just died? WAIL, WAIL, GNASH TEETH, MY ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD, MY DEAREST BFF, WHYYYYYY?

[vass]

Sounds perfectly theologically correct to me, and like it would have been a lot of fun to hear you do.

Have you read Eyeteeth's comic version? I think you'd like it. Animals in sackcloth! Orcas!

[ysobel]

I hadn't, thank you. Yay orcas! and the one person chasing down a lamb to put a sackcloth on it made me giggle. And now I must delve into the archives ...