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Nov. 18th, 2018 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelThe last few nights I have been ... super exhausted. More than usual.
I tend to go to bed on the early side (usually around 6 or 6:30 when I can) but that's comfort as muchas anything else -- my tailbone and back and hip are all quite cranky by dinner time. Bed is comfy. I usually spend a few hours doing stuff, either Netflix or games or reading or coloring or browsing Ravelry, before going to sleep.
(This is of course crappy sleep hygiene but I don't fucking care. Especially since I listen to music going to sleep, to keep anxiety nrainweasels at bay, so can't just ditch the tablet.)
Normally I will go to sleep -- or, at any rate, stop faffing about and lie with my eyes closed listening to music -- starting around 11 or so. On bad anxiety nights it can be more like 1 or 2. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to get a toddler into bed, except the toddler is in my head; no matter how tired I am, my brain just does not want to go to sleep. I think a little bit of it is finally being comfortable (I can do more in my chair but it's constant discomfort at best even when it's not bad enough to be pain), and some of it is not wanting to dream (I can have some high-anxiety dreams), and some of it is not wanting tomorrow to come quite as soon.
Night before last, I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I decided to listen to audiobooks. I was listening to a new one for maybe half an hour before I started losing track -- when I'm drifting off to sleep I will have gaps where I'm not aware of a loss of focus but the audiobook skips ahead without warning -- so I switched over to watership down, which has become my default going-to-sleep book. (The narrator has a soothing British voice, I know the story, it's very compartmentalized (in the sense that A happens and then B happens and then they tell a story and then C happens and then they tell another story, and it sometimes refers back or makes connections but mostly things are very separate, which means if I miss a portion I don't feel too lost.) My idea was to put it on a one hour sleep timer, which would get me to around 9, and then I'd switch over to music and go to sleep properly.
I didn't make it through the hour. I made it maybe 15 minutes.
Mind you, Saturdays I usually sleep in, with my aide coming around 11. And I did *not* wake up before she got there. So that means I was sleeping for about 15 hours? I mean, I woke up here and there during the night, but mostly asleep.
And then Saturday night I was super tired. Again/still. And my eyes hurt. Again/still. So I rewound WD to the last bit I remembered (before hazel and fiver went in to see the chief rabbit) and listened a bit, then switched to music. Probably asleep by 9 or 10.
Sundays are a day when no one wants to work mornings, and the one willing aide has a client she works with until noon or so, so unless I can wheedle someone into working, I get up around noon-thirty. Most days I wake up earlier and do iPad stuff until she gets here. Today, I was still solidly asleep. So again, somewhwre around 15 or 16 hours. It was a bit happier -- there were at least two times when I was awake enough to put on music to go back to sleep -- but still.
Usually, Sunday nights I'm pretty perky, as far as these things go, because usually I've gotten enough sleep. So I usually spend several hours doing stuff on the tablet before sleeping. ...tonight? It's 9 (well, was when I started writing the entry), my eyes hurt and don't want to stay open, and I just want to go to sleep.
...
I don't know how much of this is from the shitty air we've been having (fingers crossed that we actually do get rain this week!), how much is fighting off some virusy thing that I don't otherwise have symptoms of, how much is depression (except sleeping lots isn't among my usual symptoms), and how much is whatever. (I have a mosquito bite on my finger, clearly I therefore have Ebola or something, right?). But it's just ... weird.
I tend to go to bed on the early side (usually around 6 or 6:30 when I can) but that's comfort as muchas anything else -- my tailbone and back and hip are all quite cranky by dinner time. Bed is comfy. I usually spend a few hours doing stuff, either Netflix or games or reading or coloring or browsing Ravelry, before going to sleep.
(This is of course crappy sleep hygiene but I don't fucking care. Especially since I listen to music going to sleep, to keep anxiety nrainweasels at bay, so can't just ditch the tablet.)
Normally I will go to sleep -- or, at any rate, stop faffing about and lie with my eyes closed listening to music -- starting around 11 or so. On bad anxiety nights it can be more like 1 or 2. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to get a toddler into bed, except the toddler is in my head; no matter how tired I am, my brain just does not want to go to sleep. I think a little bit of it is finally being comfortable (I can do more in my chair but it's constant discomfort at best even when it's not bad enough to be pain), and some of it is not wanting to dream (I can have some high-anxiety dreams), and some of it is not wanting tomorrow to come quite as soon.
Night before last, I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I decided to listen to audiobooks. I was listening to a new one for maybe half an hour before I started losing track -- when I'm drifting off to sleep I will have gaps where I'm not aware of a loss of focus but the audiobook skips ahead without warning -- so I switched over to watership down, which has become my default going-to-sleep book. (The narrator has a soothing British voice, I know the story, it's very compartmentalized (in the sense that A happens and then B happens and then they tell a story and then C happens and then they tell another story, and it sometimes refers back or makes connections but mostly things are very separate, which means if I miss a portion I don't feel too lost.) My idea was to put it on a one hour sleep timer, which would get me to around 9, and then I'd switch over to music and go to sleep properly.
I didn't make it through the hour. I made it maybe 15 minutes.
Mind you, Saturdays I usually sleep in, with my aide coming around 11. And I did *not* wake up before she got there. So that means I was sleeping for about 15 hours? I mean, I woke up here and there during the night, but mostly asleep.
And then Saturday night I was super tired. Again/still. And my eyes hurt. Again/still. So I rewound WD to the last bit I remembered (before hazel and fiver went in to see the chief rabbit) and listened a bit, then switched to music. Probably asleep by 9 or 10.
Sundays are a day when no one wants to work mornings, and the one willing aide has a client she works with until noon or so, so unless I can wheedle someone into working, I get up around noon-thirty. Most days I wake up earlier and do iPad stuff until she gets here. Today, I was still solidly asleep. So again, somewhwre around 15 or 16 hours. It was a bit happier -- there were at least two times when I was awake enough to put on music to go back to sleep -- but still.
Usually, Sunday nights I'm pretty perky, as far as these things go, because usually I've gotten enough sleep. So I usually spend several hours doing stuff on the tablet before sleeping. ...tonight? It's 9 (well, was when I started writing the entry), my eyes hurt and don't want to stay open, and I just want to go to sleep.
...
I don't know how much of this is from the shitty air we've been having (fingers crossed that we actually do get rain this week!), how much is fighting off some virusy thing that I don't otherwise have symptoms of, how much is depression (except sleeping lots isn't among my usual symptoms), and how much is whatever. (I have a mosquito bite on my finger, clearly I therefore have Ebola or something, right?). But it's just ... weird.
