Disentangling

[ysobel]

CW: food, dieting, self harm

trying to sort out "doctor wants dietary changes" from "US medicine is fatphobic" from "it is good to be healthy" from "fuck it I can do what I want" from "doing what I want makes me a bad person" from "things are stressful af, eat the comfort foods" from "eating bad foods is literally self harm"

is like sorting colors of embroidery floss at midnight. with papercuts on fingers.

and, like

I *live* on eggs, cheese, rice, bread, pasta (and there are distinct texture differences between normal pasta and "healthier" pastas)

I do a lot of samefooding; usually eggs+toast for breakfast and pb sandwich [smooth on whole wheat bread] for lunch, then whatever my roommate makes for dinner; sometimes mac and cheese for lunch instead

and I tried for a while doing omelets [spinach and onion and jalapeños, plus cheese) with no toast, but I'd feel hollow and hungry all morning, yet adding a piece of [ww] toast meant feeling like I'd eaten enough

a few years ago I went to dietitian but she gave me the boilerplate lecture [plate = half non-starchy veg, quarter lean protein, quarter starchy veg] and scolded me for using TWO slices of bread with my pb and I came home crying and wanting ice cream

like, I like vegetables [with exceptions], did even as a kid, but some of my favorites [peas and lima beans] are starchy therefore Bad Veggies, and also telling me I HAVE TO eat veggies makes me resent them

and there is a part of my brain that just wants to say fuck-you and eat All The Bad Things

and I can't really tell the difference between "my mental state is so far in the shitter that I should just eat what makes me happy" and "my mental state is shitty and I want to hurt myself by eating Bad Foods"

like, will future me [esp if my jaw locks up] be more resentful at Responsible Me for not eating what I like while I could, or at No-Fucks Me for making things worse? (or at Responsible Me if I end up miserable-fooded and worse anyway?)

is "I should do the responsible thing of eating the Perfect Foodz, regardless of desire" the moral course, or is it the equivalent of getting mad at my broken executive function in hopes that I can bully myself into productivity?

the foods my brain wants aren't the foods my body wants

it's not fucking *fair*



gah

want my robot body already

Comments

[tielan]

Peas and lima beans are starchy? I thought legumes were good proteins - starches or no.

[ysobel]

As far as I can tell, most vegetables are less starchy, but the starchy vegetables -- potatoes, corn, peas, and winter squash (acorn or butternut) -- are worse for blood sugar issues. Better than, like, Twinkies, so kind of in the "have some but not a lot"

(but they are by bffs :( )

[vass]

It really isn't fair. I have all of the same feelings about this, minus the ones applying to your specific disability stuff.

[ysobel]

💜

[cesy]

Your first paragraph analogy is very yes, that.

[azurelunatic]

When one is already doing food on Hard Mode, there are extremely firm limits to what one can change without the mental health stack crashing over.

[pauamma]

Wot they (IIRC) said.

[ysobel]

Yeah, I just don't know how to word that to my doctor. She tends to be very "just do it" and ...at some level it's straightforward. Just tell my aides/roommate to avoid XYZ and do lots of ABC instead!

...except it's not that simple, and I'm already fighting my brain half the time. It sounds overdramatic and drama-llama-y to say "if I can't have [ice cream / mac and cheese / etc] I will probably get suicidal" but that's how fragile I feel. But my doctor

(the one who thinks undiagnosed ADHD is impossible and I'm just having anxiety)

isn't going to hear it that way. She's just going to hear whiny cowardice where I'm perfectly capable of making the changes but being childish about clinging to the familiar.

*sigh*

[pauamma]

it's not fucking *fair*

It really isn't. For lack of anything likely useful to say, would a text hug help?

[ysobel]

Yes 💜

[pauamma]

*hugs*

[arctowardthesun]

If you can, finding a HAES dietician is worthwhile. Mine is amazing.

ETA: I'm pretty bad about feeding myself reliably but she's improved matters.