Disentangling
Apr. 14th, 2022 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelCW: food, dieting, self harm
trying to sort out "doctor wants dietary changes" from "US medicine is fatphobic" from "it is good to be healthy" from "fuck it I can do what I want" from "doing what I want makes me a bad person" from "things are stressful af, eat the comfort foods" from "eating bad foods is literally self harm"
is like sorting colors of embroidery floss at midnight. with papercuts on fingers.
and, like
I *live* on eggs, cheese, rice, bread, pasta (and there are distinct texture differences between normal pasta and "healthier" pastas)
I do a lot of samefooding; usually eggs+toast for breakfast and pb sandwich [smooth on whole wheat bread] for lunch, then whatever my roommate makes for dinner; sometimes mac and cheese for lunch instead
and I tried for a while doing omelets [spinach and onion and jalapeños, plus cheese) with no toast, but I'd feel hollow and hungry all morning, yet adding a piece of [ww] toast meant feeling like I'd eaten enough
a few years ago I went to dietitian but she gave me the boilerplate lecture [plate = half non-starchy veg, quarter lean protein, quarter starchy veg] and scolded me for using TWO slices of bread with my pb and I came home crying and wanting ice cream
like, I like vegetables [with exceptions], did even as a kid, but some of my favorites [peas and lima beans] are starchy therefore Bad Veggies, and also telling me I HAVE TO eat veggies makes me resent them
and there is a part of my brain that just wants to say fuck-you and eat All The Bad Things
and I can't really tell the difference between "my mental state is so far in the shitter that I should just eat what makes me happy" and "my mental state is shitty and I want to hurt myself by eating Bad Foods"
like, will future me [esp if my jaw locks up] be more resentful at Responsible Me for not eating what I like while I could, or at No-Fucks Me for making things worse? (or at Responsible Me if I end up miserable-fooded and worse anyway?)
is "I should do the responsible thing of eating the Perfect Foodz, regardless of desire" the moral course, or is it the equivalent of getting mad at my broken executive function in hopes that I can bully myself into productivity?
the foods my brain wants aren't the foods my body wants
it's not fucking *fair*
gah
want my robot body already
trying to sort out "doctor wants dietary changes" from "US medicine is fatphobic" from "it is good to be healthy" from "fuck it I can do what I want" from "doing what I want makes me a bad person" from "things are stressful af, eat the comfort foods" from "eating bad foods is literally self harm"
is like sorting colors of embroidery floss at midnight. with papercuts on fingers.
and, like
I *live* on eggs, cheese, rice, bread, pasta (and there are distinct texture differences between normal pasta and "healthier" pastas)
I do a lot of samefooding; usually eggs+toast for breakfast and pb sandwich [smooth on whole wheat bread] for lunch, then whatever my roommate makes for dinner; sometimes mac and cheese for lunch instead
and I tried for a while doing omelets [spinach and onion and jalapeños, plus cheese) with no toast, but I'd feel hollow and hungry all morning, yet adding a piece of [ww] toast meant feeling like I'd eaten enough
a few years ago I went to dietitian but she gave me the boilerplate lecture [plate = half non-starchy veg, quarter lean protein, quarter starchy veg] and scolded me for using TWO slices of bread with my pb and I came home crying and wanting ice cream
like, I like vegetables [with exceptions], did even as a kid, but some of my favorites [peas and lima beans] are starchy therefore Bad Veggies, and also telling me I HAVE TO eat veggies makes me resent them
and there is a part of my brain that just wants to say fuck-you and eat All The Bad Things
and I can't really tell the difference between "my mental state is so far in the shitter that I should just eat what makes me happy" and "my mental state is shitty and I want to hurt myself by eating Bad Foods"
like, will future me [esp if my jaw locks up] be more resentful at Responsible Me for not eating what I like while I could, or at No-Fucks Me for making things worse? (or at Responsible Me if I end up miserable-fooded and worse anyway?)
is "I should do the responsible thing of eating the Perfect Foodz, regardless of desire" the moral course, or is it the equivalent of getting mad at my broken executive function in hopes that I can bully myself into productivity?
the foods my brain wants aren't the foods my body wants
it's not fucking *fair*
gah
want my robot body already
no subject
Date: 2022-04-16 01:00 am (UTC)...except it's not that simple, and I'm already fighting my brain half the time. It sounds overdramatic and drama-llama-y to say "if I can't have [ice cream / mac and cheese / etc] I will probably get suicidal" but that's how fragile I feel. But my doctor
(the one who thinks undiagnosed ADHD is impossible and I'm just having anxiety)
isn't going to hear it that way. She's just going to hear whiny cowardice where I'm perfectly capable of making the changes but being childish about clinging to the familiar.
*sigh*