(no subject)
Nov. 3rd, 2009 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelIt is much easier to bury my head in the sand and pretend that nothing is going wrong, nothing is going to go wrong, nothing is going to change than it is to actually deal with stuff.
My head hurts and my shoulder hurts and my knees hurt and my faith hurts ("why can't God take care of me" voice is warring with "because you don't deserve it" and also with "God *is* taking care of you, dumbass, otherwise you'd be in even worse shape") and my eyes hurt from not crying and I can't handle things but every day of not handling is also one fewer day in which to handle stuff and I kinda just want to curl up in a gibbering wreck and hide from everything.
Um. Needless to say, this is not the best of moods for the day before a birthday. Especially when I can compare my situation to what it was a year ago, two years ago, and see everything I've lost.
Our society isn't really that great for dealing with grief even in obvious situations. Have a parent die, or a partner, or a sibling, or a child... okay, I guess you can be sad for a day or two, but then you have to move on, get over it. (Especially if it's an 'anticipated' death, because you've had time to adjust.) Lose a pet, and it's only an animal, right?
(in case I need to state it, sarcasm mode firmly in force: I do not personally subscribe to society's general opinions on things like this.)
But it took a long time for me to realize that not only was I grieving a loss, with each major or minor change to my mobility, but that it was okay to be doing that. Not necessarily okay by society's standards (where I am to be grateful that I can still see/hear/think and grateful to those taking care of me), but okay in the sense that it's something I can permit myself.
(which doesn't make it any easier)
My head hurts and my shoulder hurts and my knees hurt and my faith hurts ("why can't God take care of me" voice is warring with "because you don't deserve it" and also with "God *is* taking care of you, dumbass, otherwise you'd be in even worse shape") and my eyes hurt from not crying and I can't handle things but every day of not handling is also one fewer day in which to handle stuff and I kinda just want to curl up in a gibbering wreck and hide from everything.
Um. Needless to say, this is not the best of moods for the day before a birthday. Especially when I can compare my situation to what it was a year ago, two years ago, and see everything I've lost.
Our society isn't really that great for dealing with grief even in obvious situations. Have a parent die, or a partner, or a sibling, or a child... okay, I guess you can be sad for a day or two, but then you have to move on, get over it. (Especially if it's an 'anticipated' death, because you've had time to adjust.) Lose a pet, and it's only an animal, right?
(in case I need to state it, sarcasm mode firmly in force: I do not personally subscribe to society's general opinions on things like this.)
But it took a long time for me to realize that not only was I grieving a loss, with each major or minor change to my mobility, but that it was okay to be doing that. Not necessarily okay by society's standards (where I am to be grateful that I can still see/hear/think and grateful to those taking care of me), but okay in the sense that it's something I can permit myself.
(which doesn't make it any easier)