fuckity

[ysobel]

one of my caregivers is semi-quitting until the enrollment paperwork gets completed [he went through a different county, on my roommate's suggestion, only it turns out the training doesn't transfer] which won't be until at least january

and I was hoping I could talk my dad into a loan -- pay him privately, to be repaid when he gets paid properly -- but my dads attitude is the delay is his fault

and I'd do it personally but my dad gets mad if I do [he can deduct medical expenses] and anyway I'm a little sulky

but I don't know what to do and I don't have enough people and sometimes I think it'd be easier if I just applied for MAID so I just could stop being stressed and stop being a useless burden

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry about your aide!

HUGS

[vass]

You know, in your position, I would be so incredibly angry at the county and your dad. I'd be a bit angry at your aide too even though I'd know it wasn't his fault; and at your roommate even though it's not her fault either. But I'd be really angry with the whole system, and with your dad for not getting who this hurts most. I'm angry about that just reading this.

It sounds to me like you want to spare your dad's feelings. He's blocking a solution (the loan) on a principle (it being your aide's "fault") that solves nothing and just leaves you without enough people. You'd make the loan yourself, while on food stamps, but you're worried that he'd get mad. You're thinking about dying as a convenience to him and others.

I think you're right that death is the ultimate, logical conclusion to trying to put other people's convenience above your own needs. That would be true even if you were not disabled at all. And it's harder to fight it when you have the deadly, ableist logic of eugenics all around you, when laws like MAID have been enacted that encourage that line of thought instead of laws to improve the conditions that would help you live.

Could being more inconvenient to your dad be an option for you? As an alternative to the suicidal thoughts? If you're going to be stressed one way or another, maybe some of that stress deserves to be returned to sender.

You deserve someone who'll fight for you. Even if it has to be you.

[shannnon_foraker]

Please don't kill yourself! If you need some things to guilt trip yourself into living:
- I'll miss reading your DW and new updates
- you've lived quite a while with your condition

[shannnon_foraker]

Good job making it to 2024! [rereading older stuff]!