i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Why is it that doing Adulty Shit doesn't ever feel good or satisfying, just necessary?

...one of my aides posted tonight at 10:30pm looking for someone to cover his shift because his professor assigned a shitton more work, but his shift tomorrow morning, is in 12 hours. So I had to post a comment to his request saying that he needs to come in if he doesn't get a confirmation of someone covering (which is a policy I am explicit about), but it took 20 minutes of dithering because I really just wanted to pretend I hadn't seen it, and hope it worked out tomorrow. Which... is unlikely, because no matter how many times I tell aides they're responsible for assigned shifts and that just "making it available" on the scheduling website we use (allows shift swaps etc) isn't enough, people always want to just release their shift and forget. If I didn't have dogs I would be tempted to just leave it be and at worst stay in bed until the following shift that starts at 2, but I can't do that to Phoebe and Yahtzee.

So I eventually left the comment but I just feel like crap. High brain knows I did the necessary thing, but low brain is freaking out.

And tomorrow I have to make phone calls, and I donwanna, but i have to, but I don't get dopamine from completing tasks, just frustration that it took as long as it did to gear myself up

Mrrr.

CW food, diet, medical advice

#

Last week I spoke with one of the FOP specialists, an endo in SF, mostly about the flareup but also various other things, both FOP related and endocrinology related. He said among other things that I should consider myself as probably having osteoporosis, because it's common in older FOPers, especially ones who aren't doing any weight-bearing exercise.

He then suggested-- I'm not sure if this was for osteoporosis or for blood sugar or for other things I'm high risk for because sedentary, that I should evaluate my caloric intake and "drop it 5-10% across the board".

...I'm so fucking not doing that.

Should I? Maybe. I don't know. I'd still be at risk of the same shit, and I'd be hangry and miserable. But also it's fucking hard getting myself fed regularly / appropriately; adding in trying to measure calories even with no change would be halfway impossible.

And, like, what I have now isn't vast quantities of all-you-can-eat buffets or whatever. Breakfast is either two eggs with bread (form varies, sometimes includes cheese) or yogurt with granola; lunch is a peanut butter sandwich or similar; dinner is whatever my roommate makes, usually pretty consistent with the "half plate non-starchy veggies, quarter plate carbs, quarter plate lean protein" stuff they've drummed at me for years. I could calorie count the first two if I measured. Dinner is more complicated.

...and the last several days I've also been hungry a lot, both during the day and at night. This could still be prednisone effects, although I'm almost done with the taper, but hungry at night is pretty common for me. I can't get up and snack, and I don't like bothering people, so I've learned to just ignore it.

But the doctors don't know this and don't care. I weigh too much and I can't exercise so the only ~lifestyle~ change is diet.

I want to eat things that are bad for me. Cakes and cookies and brownies and pizza and bread and rice and pasta and butter, things that taste good and fucking satisfy me. I feel childishly petulant that don't even get credit for things I'm doing; it's not good enough, never good enough, unless I lose an "acceptable" amount of weight.

(Sometimes I want to just stop eating, insist I'm not hungry or something, ~don't worry I'm fine~. Except I hate being hungry and I get in rotten moods. I think it's more that choosing to refuse food is one of the few freedoms left.)

Was having a good day (nice and quiet)

not very Xmas-y; im feeling very ambivalent about it, because reasons (discomfort with the way Christianity is aggressively dominant) and other reasons (the irony of singing every year about a baby who will save the world when the world just gets worse every year, and of lyrics like "born that we no more may die" during a ducking pandemic) and also exhaustion

and then ... my mom got extremely needy.

too tired to type up full saga right now but she couldn't find the link to online services, then when I didn't answer immediately (I was going to bed) sent a bunch of "hello? Hello????? Are you there?? Is your phone off?? Hello?????" texts, then just kind of got worse. And she's always needy but this just hit hard somehow, and I wanted to scream or burst into tears or both. I spent like 30 minutes trying to dissect my feelings

(is that a thing? working out exactly why you're upset and exactly what is irritating you and judging whether it's "legitimate enough"? I have no clue if it's normal, or adhd-ish, or spectrum-ish, or some sort of trauma response, or just me)

and feeling like my anger itself was fragile, like it was a very thin cover for something deeper that I didn't want to deal with

and then i said fuck it, muted my text notifications, and took an edible

+++

tomorrow is ... on the one hand I'm happily not going to my dad's for the same reason as not doing thanksgiving only more so (all of my stepsibs are coming in, plus a wife and baby, plus a boyfriend, and of this horde only one is vaccinated) but on the other hand that means I'm doing stuff with my mom. (Keeping today for myself was hard enough. My mom would be very passive aggressively resentful about being alone on Xmas and so it's easier to give in). Theoretically we're watching Hamilton, or at least the first half, but who the fuck knows.

some of this c/p from discord b/c lazy

I.

me: wanna knit something
also me: has no actual motivation
also also me: lemme browse rav, that'll fix it!

II.

[isabeau] me: when $aide gets back I'll have her get me out some yarn to play with
$aide: gets back
me: stares numbly at reddit
[other person] Some days are low energy reddit days and that's okay.
[isabeau] yeah but 2020 has had about 600 such days...

III.

[isabeau] ...I had my aide make me up a margarita & have not had more than two sips. it is sitting on my desk and just ... sitting there, lol. ah, Executive Dysfunction v2020, how fun you are.

IV.

my AC island is still full of halloween.

I have done barely any yarncraft

my netflix queue is full but I've watched maybe one thing? in the last month

V.

half of my aides are going home for winter break, as is my roommate

I have a few replacements lined up but not enough

do not have overnight-stay replacement. really really don't want my mom staying over.

strongly tempted to just stay alone even though that's stupid and also unsafe.

VI.

brainweasels say all of above is proof I suck

not sure they're wrong