i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

There is a trope common to both horror movies and creature-features where the protagonist(s) huddle in an enclosed space like a room or car, and the bad thing -- axe murderer, zombies, demon, evil force, velociraptor, mutant wolf-rhino-mammoth hybrid, whatever -- is very definitely outside. Maybe it's crashing around in brute-force attempts; maybe it's rattling doors or windows, looking for a way in; maybe there's just slow ominous footsteps as it circles.The protagonists do what they can -- locking doors, bracing with their bodies if necessary, barricading entrances -- but they know, and the viewer knows, that it is only an illusion of safety. That they are at best trapped; that it's a guaranteed inevitability the thing will find a way in: a forgotten coal chute or a high window or a weak spot, or just waiting until the protagonist is sleeping/distracted, or ... eventually, somehow, it will get in.

That's how my depression feels right now.

Last night? At the first whiff of I-hate-myself thoughts, I said "not today" and barricaded the mental door. And it worked -- for a whole five minutes. Like some malevolent force in a horror movie, it just doubled down. Tripled. Quadrupled, maybe.

Inevitable.

I started the night watching a Netflix movie as distraction, figuring I'd get sleepy halfway through. I didn't. The middle of the night downgraded to random Facebook videos in a desperate and futile attempt to avoid the crying meltdown that broke at around 4am. I eventually listened to an audiobook for long enough to calm down and sleep for what remained of the night.

I am ok in the sense that I am not in any danger; in most other senses I am not ok. Just good at pretending otherwise.

drowning in brainweasels

and stress

meh

I am also fucking pissed off at my cpap right now. Not the cpap itself, but the harness that holds it in place. Because -- okay, context of my sleep setup. I have a sling set up underneath me in bed that can be strapped to the lift so I can shift position some during the night. Bottom of the sling is at the crease of my knees; top of the sling comes to the top of my head. This is the ideal positioning. If I hook up just the bottom half, I can raise up to take pressure off my butt and feet and knees. If I hook up the top half as well, I raise up into more of a vertical angle, and it also does some nice curving thing to my spine so that when I lower back down my spine crackles and feels better.

But the cpap has headgear that's a series of straps to hold the nose piece actually in my nose. And the straps get pressed into my scalp by the sling. And sometimes, I swear to bob, the strap is made of a jagged lump of rock, because that's what it felt like tonight.

I think the sling is actually a smidge higher than usual -- it isn't always a problem, at least not this bad of one. And the sling is up at the top of my head, rather than in the middle of my head. I think most of the time we manage to get the sling positioned so that it's not low enough to hurt (with the edge cutting into the back of my neck) and not high enough to hurt (interfering with the cpap strap). But not tonight, of ducking course not tonight.

Solution one, repositioning the sling, would basically require getting me out of bed and then back in. Way too much fuss.

Solution two, unhooking the top straps, would normally be an option, but tonight I'm paranoid about nausea. (I sleep on my back. I literally cannot roll over or turn my head. Vomiting is bad. I have done it once successfully but there is high risk of aspiration. Calling my roommate in to get me up takes time that I might not have. With the top half of the sling hooked up. I can get myself to a 45 ish angle, which is so much better than flat on my back.) Probably nothing will happen -- I don't have a viral thing, and I think the problem earlier today was that my stomach was just too empty. But paranoid. So no go.

Solution three, moving the cpap strap a bit, might work. But it might not. And if it didn't, I'd end up in agony at 2am but not wanting to wake up my roommate because I'm weird.

Solution four is sleeping without the cpap.

I went with that for tonight but I just want to start bawling (again). It feels somehow like giving up, and I sleep way better with the cpap, and crappy sleep is not something I need right now. But it's what I get.

teal deer: I miss seders, and sometimes wonder if I chose wrong

( babbling )