i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Okay, so. My aide M is living with a couple of friends of hers, T and J. They are both on the older side. J has health problems that I don't know the details of, but that include a recent heart attack
And also a recent "we might have to amputate your legs" something for which she is still in the hospital.

M sent me kitten pictures earlier this week. Then one of her other clients went out of town and she went with him. Tonight's shifts are the first time I've seen them.

She mentioned how she hadn't had time to check on the kitten, or see how the weekend went, because T, who doesn't really like cats, was catsitting for her.

I got the chance to ask what was up with the kitten.

"Oh, I got it for J! It'll be therapy for when she gets out of the hospital!"

Uh, does she want a cat?

"Oh she loves cats!"

...but does she want to OWN a cat?

"Well I don't know, hahaha, but I couldn't just abandon it! I spent like $140 on the vet, having it checked up, and they did tests. It had pinkeye when I found it but I got antibiotics and it's looking so much better! I mean it's a ten day treatment and this is only like day three, but I'm sure it'll be fine, and I couldn't leave him with just ANYONE, right?"

...I want to scream.

This is basically M wanting a cat, and she's very soft-hearted and wouldn't be able to just leave it to die, but

*rage*

It's not a good idea, when you're living paycheck to paycheck, do sink a bunch of money into medical care for a stray cat. That sounds heartless but this is someone that has been unable to come to work once or twice because of not having gas money; who gets irrational and paranoid when hypoglycemic but doesn't always have money for food; who doesn't take care of her OWN medical issues.

It's not a good idea to take someone that's doing you a favor (she has place to stay in exchange for helping them out) and make them care for an animal they don't like, including giving eye medicine for a contagious illness.

It's not a good idea to foist a pet on a disabled person; it's one thing for a disabled person to own pets, as I do, but this is NOT J's choice, and even if she wanted a cat it's stupid to not let her choose one for herself

It's fucking unfair to the cat -- medical care is good, yes, but this whole situation REEKS of badness

It's fucking unfair to the people around her

*what the fuck is M even thinking* oh right she's not

*fumes*

*throws self onto virtual couch in a fit of melodramatic sobbing*

Okay, so. Roommate is out of town tonight and tomorrow night because of a friends bachelor party. My mom is sleeping over so I have someone here in case of emergency, but that’s always awkward at best, even if necessary. Meanwhile of my evening-able aides A has been out of town, scheduled to come back late tonight, and so M is my only option.

Fail the first was dinner. Roommate had left a veggie casserole -- vegetables of various sorts, pasta, cheese, idk what else -- for us to have, with instructions to pop it in the oven for 30-40 minutes (covered with aluminum foil for the first 20-25 and then opened). We check it at 25 minutes and it’s cold -- oven had been left on preheat, not switched to bake. Put it in for another 20, covered, and then another 10, open. Cheese is only half melted but it’s steaming and whatever, we’re hungry. Except we managed to both undercook and overcook -- vegetables were still crispy but so was the pasta on top.

Fail the second: I message M that I’m ready for her to come over. (It is 8:30, an hour after I usually start the whole process these days because of how long the bedding process takes and how long after that it takes my body to unwind enough to sleep.) She responds ok but then two minutes later is “pooping her guts out” and can’t leave the toilet and is there anyone that can cover. Now, A is my usual backup, but out of town. Roommate is secondary backup, but out of town. My stepmom is third backup, but superbad idea with my mom here. So I ask my mom if she can do it, and she says it’s better than catching whatever M has. (She also makes comments about the drugs she is convinced M is taking, and asks whether m has ever overdosed.)

Fail the third: my mom getting me ready for bed is a clusterfuck. First she insists that I need a washcloth bath (which I usually just do in the morning), and not just face and armpits but everywhere upper body, and while I put up with this there is a part of me inside that is screaming about bodily autonomy. Second she isn’t strong enough to get my shirt off without hurting my wrist a bit, though I don’t tell her. Third, the commode chair takes strength she doesn’t have, and she hurt herself several times using it -- once pinching a finger on the wheel lock lever, once wrenching her back trying to get it upright (I need it tilted back so I can get in, and then tilted back up for the peeing), once banging her hip trying to stop the chair from rolling. Fourth, she is tired and unpracticed and I am tired and explaining badly as to what goes where and it takes us until 10:20 to get me in bed.

(The only positive about all that is that the next time I’m asking my dad/stepmom for help getting to bed and they ask if she can do it instead, I have reasons to say no.)

Fail the fourth: A had said, before his trip, that he was coming back tonight but didn’t know whether he would be able to work tomorrow but would let me know. I text him tonight asking about tomorrow (before I knew M was sick, but she’s been doing every day for over a week and needs a break) and he finally replies saying that he’s actually driving back tomorrow instead sorry for the late notice. Which means M is my only option for tomorrow. I hope like hell she’s better.

I just kind of want to cry. A lot.