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ysobelI had a longish entry almost written up
and then Loki came onto my chest for snuggles so I got out of safari so he wouldn't muck things up
and then I went back in and it did the "I will helpfully reload the page for you!!!11" bs
which means I lost the entire fucking thing
fuuuuuuuuuck
(I wish DW had a draft autosave feature)
Edit: considered trying to rewrite it but am st the end of my stamina both for typing and for staying awake -- but by tomorrow I'll have forgotten. Gist in summary form:
1. Thunderstorms today, whee. It's weird to have thunderstorms here in any season other than winter, and the last few days have been abnormal -- cold (low 60s) and rainy instead of too-warm (80s-90s) and dry -- but I like the smell of rain and the look of rain and the sound of rain and the sound of thunder, and I prefer cool to warm, so this has been lovely
2. Still can't find the fic. Did, however, dig up stuff I'd forgotten I wrote, everything from flashfic to wips, from complicated plotty things to porn (mostly white collar, Star Trek AOS, and lots and lots of xmfc) to origfic to poetry
3. Is it weird that I want to self-publish a book of poetry? I don't think any publisher would want something like that from an unknown, plus I can't go on publicity tours or anything, plus I don't really have an established following, plus income is complicated when it comes to IHSS benefits, but I sort of want to do it anyway idek
4. I have gotten very melancholic since going to bed about how I can't write any more. Don't know how much is physical can't (the entry I lost was much longer and more eloquent, and that plus this is pushing the limits of a session) and how much is mental can't and how much is scared-to and how much is laziness and how much is just that I don't. And I miss it: miss the stories (especially in college and the few years afterwards) that just wrote themselves, miss the glee that comes with writing something that comes out awesome, miss the feedback of people liking what I wrote (never mind that in the past few years, positive feedback on stories sends me into an embarrassed flaily panic with a strong need to hide). Miss the needy flush of being in love with a new fandom (especially xmfc), writing all the things even if you're kind of writing the same basic story over and over but it's like an addiction. Miss the sense of community. Miss *being* someone. I might not have ever been a BMF but I felt like I belonged.
...that's all gone and I don't know how to get it back
I still have things I wish I could write -- the Secret Garden fic where Colin doesn't magically get all better; the Beauty and the Beast thing where I fix, er I mean remix, the live action movie; the non-Disney BatB variant with an ugly Beauty and autistic Beast; the Stargate AU where Jack got taken as a host for Apophis, which started as a single fic where the Daniel from that universe and the Daniel from ours get plonked into the wrong universes, but then expanded because my brain wanted to work out how stuff in the other universe happened; several very tenacious XMFC fics; there may be others as I unearth them. But I don't know that I can.
5. Yes, that was the short version.
6. Yes, I'm wallowingin freakish misery. I'll get over it, maybe. I just ... right now there's so much I've lost (cross stitch and heading and easy knitting and writing (especially by hand) and *not fucking being dependent for everything*), so much I worry about losing (finger mobility is decaying, jaw might lock up, parents are getting older, pets are impermanent and I'm pretty sure losing Yahtzee will destroy me), and so much stressing me out (need to find new roommate again, need to find/train new aides, need to consult with a dietitian nutritionist type person because I'm officially prediabetic and I'm torn between "changing diet will help with that" and "duck you I'll eat what I want, it's not like I'm likely to die of old age anyway" with a soupçon of "but i don't WANT to give up carbs" plus paranoia about being thirsty or about needing to pee) that misery seems to be a default that's hard to break out of.
and then Loki came onto my chest for snuggles so I got out of safari so he wouldn't muck things up
and then I went back in and it did the "I will helpfully reload the page for you!!!11" bs
which means I lost the entire fucking thing
fuuuuuuuuuck
(I wish DW had a draft autosave feature)
Edit: considered trying to rewrite it but am st the end of my stamina both for typing and for staying awake -- but by tomorrow I'll have forgotten. Gist in summary form:
1. Thunderstorms today, whee. It's weird to have thunderstorms here in any season other than winter, and the last few days have been abnormal -- cold (low 60s) and rainy instead of too-warm (80s-90s) and dry -- but I like the smell of rain and the look of rain and the sound of rain and the sound of thunder, and I prefer cool to warm, so this has been lovely
2. Still can't find the fic. Did, however, dig up stuff I'd forgotten I wrote, everything from flashfic to wips, from complicated plotty things to porn (mostly white collar, Star Trek AOS, and lots and lots of xmfc) to origfic to poetry
3. Is it weird that I want to self-publish a book of poetry? I don't think any publisher would want something like that from an unknown, plus I can't go on publicity tours or anything, plus I don't really have an established following, plus income is complicated when it comes to IHSS benefits, but I sort of want to do it anyway idek
4. I have gotten very melancholic since going to bed about how I can't write any more. Don't know how much is physical can't (the entry I lost was much longer and more eloquent, and that plus this is pushing the limits of a session) and how much is mental can't and how much is scared-to and how much is laziness and how much is just that I don't. And I miss it: miss the stories (especially in college and the few years afterwards) that just wrote themselves, miss the glee that comes with writing something that comes out awesome, miss the feedback of people liking what I wrote (never mind that in the past few years, positive feedback on stories sends me into an embarrassed flaily panic with a strong need to hide). Miss the needy flush of being in love with a new fandom (especially xmfc), writing all the things even if you're kind of writing the same basic story over and over but it's like an addiction. Miss the sense of community. Miss *being* someone. I might not have ever been a BMF but I felt like I belonged.
...that's all gone and I don't know how to get it back
I still have things I wish I could write -- the Secret Garden fic where Colin doesn't magically get all better; the Beauty and the Beast thing where I fix, er I mean remix, the live action movie; the non-Disney BatB variant with an ugly Beauty and autistic Beast; the Stargate AU where Jack got taken as a host for Apophis, which started as a single fic where the Daniel from that universe and the Daniel from ours get plonked into the wrong universes, but then expanded because my brain wanted to work out how stuff in the other universe happened; several very tenacious XMFC fics; there may be others as I unearth them. But I don't know that I can.
5. Yes, that was the short version.
6. Yes, I'm wallowing
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 08:49 am (UTC)Losing abilities is hard and scary and more hard and scary if it goes with other fragile-making stuff like new flatmates and/or new aides. I've got two new support workers at the moment and my flatmate is moving out in like 5 weeks, so I'm feeling kind of panicky too. Love & hugs
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 01:40 pm (UTC)I have learned through bitter experience that if I'm leaving a DW entry alone for a while I should post it under private-lock and edit later. Firefox has a 'helpful' habit of forgetting that I'm logged in after a while, and many times I've come back to hit Post only to receive a message that I'm not authorised to view that page and need to log in.
Thunderstorms, whoo! If it must rain, let it rain with passion and drama. None of this wimpy three-days-of-drizzle.
Miss the needy flush of being in love with a new fandom
Ooooh, yeah. I feel this one, so hard; I haven't had a new fandom since NIF came along, and before that it was Homestuck! There's nothing like that new-fandom glow, but it can be so hard to find. :(
Your fic ideas asound great, so *hugs* and here's hoping that you're around for a very long time to write them, and that you and the nutritionist can come to a carb-compromise that you both can live with.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 11:33 pm (UTC)https://www.dreamwidth.org/beta Is where you turn on the improved entry editor (HTML and markdown only)
no subject
Date: 2019-05-20 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-05-26 05:34 pm (UTC)Loosing posts like that is so frustrating!
Cool dramatic thunderstorms sound really good, though, as does putting together a book of poetry!