i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

I had a longish entry almost written up

and then Loki came onto my chest for snuggles so I got out of safari so he wouldn't muck things up

and then I went back in and it did the "I will helpfully reload the page for you!!!11" bs

which means I lost the entire fucking thing

fuuuuuuuuuck

(I wish DW had a draft autosave feature)

Edit: considered trying to rewrite it but am st the end of my stamina both for typing and for staying awake -- but by tomorrow I'll have forgotten. Gist in summary form:

1. Thunderstorms today, whee. It's weird to have thunderstorms here in any season other than winter, and the last few days have been abnormal -- cold (low 60s) and rainy instead of too-warm (80s-90s) and dry -- but I like the smell of rain and the look of rain and the sound of rain and the sound of thunder, and I prefer cool to warm, so this has been lovely

2. Still can't find the fic. Did, however, dig up stuff I'd forgotten I wrote, everything from flashfic to wips, from complicated plotty things to porn (mostly white collar, Star Trek AOS, and lots and lots of xmfc) to origfic to poetry

3. Is it weird that I want to self-publish a book of poetry? I don't think any publisher would want something like that from an unknown, plus I can't go on publicity tours or anything, plus I don't really have an established following, plus income is complicated when it comes to IHSS benefits, but I sort of want to do it anyway idek

4. I have gotten very melancholic since going to bed about how I can't write any more. Don't know how much is physical can't (the entry I lost was much longer and more eloquent, and that plus this is pushing the limits of a session) and how much is mental can't and how much is scared-to and how much is laziness and how much is just that I don't. And I miss it: miss the stories (especially in college and the few years afterwards) that just wrote themselves, miss the glee that comes with writing something that comes out awesome, miss the feedback of people liking what I wrote (never mind that in the past few years, positive feedback on stories sends me into an embarrassed flaily panic with a strong need to hide). Miss the needy flush of being in love with a new fandom (especially xmfc), writing all the things even if you're kind of writing the same basic story over and over but it's like an addiction. Miss the sense of community. Miss *being* someone. I might not have ever been a BMF but I felt like I belonged.

...that's all gone and I don't know how to get it back

I still have things I wish I could write -- the Secret Garden fic where Colin doesn't magically get all better; the Beauty and the Beast thing where I fix, er I mean remix, the live action movie; the non-Disney BatB variant with an ugly Beauty and autistic Beast; the Stargate AU where Jack got taken as a host for Apophis, which started as a single fic where the Daniel from that universe and the Daniel from ours get plonked into the wrong universes, but then expanded because my brain wanted to work out how stuff in the other universe happened; several very tenacious XMFC fics; there may be others as I unearth them. But I don't know that I can.

5. Yes, that was the short version.

6. Yes, I'm wallowing in freakish misery. I'll get over it, maybe. I just ... right now there's so much I've lost (cross stitch and heading and easy knitting and writing (especially by hand) and *not fucking being dependent for everything*), so much I worry about losing (finger mobility is decaying, jaw might lock up, parents are getting older, pets are impermanent and I'm pretty sure losing Yahtzee will destroy me), and so much stressing me out (need to find new roommate again, need to find/train new aides, need to consult with a dietitian nutritionist type person because I'm officially prediabetic and I'm torn between "changing diet will help with that" and "duck you I'll eat what I want, it's not like I'm likely to die of old age anyway" with a soupçon of "but i don't WANT to give up carbs" plus paranoia about being thirsty or about needing to pee) that misery seems to be a default that's hard to break out of.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

This morning I got up and got in my chair and -- snap! -- the joystick broke

(Not the joystick itself, but the mounting bracket -- because I can't reach the armrest, which is where wheelchair joysticks normally live, I have a bar that brings the joystick more in the middle, and there is a bracket that clamps onto the bar to hold the joystick at the right angle. The joystick is still attached but it doesn't stay up, just flops out of my reach.)

Luckily my morning aide -- *not* the aide of very little brain -- was able to hang around for a few hours and do things like hold the joystick where I could reach it so I could go out and eat breakfast, or prop it up with a neck pillow.

I called UnMotion and they offered to send someone out on Monday. Not acceptable. They said I could bring it in this afternoon. Annoying (it's not close, plus going from here to sac on Fridays is horrible because of mountain weekend traffic) but better. They also did a service thingie using an app that lets them access my camera, so that they could figure out if they had the right part. They were supposed to call me back and let me know whether or not to come in (because if they needed to order a part, there'd be no point in going in).

Which of course they didn't, because they suck.

I eventually -- after lots of calling the service department with no answer -- got ahold of someone at reception who was very nice and helpful and walked over to the warehouse to find out.

(The answer was they think they have what they need, can't guarantee it without having the chair there but I should come in.)

And of course a) I couldn't tilt back without the joystick flopping onto my stomach, so I'm deeply uncomfortable; b) driving the chair is hella awkward and my shoulder is probably going to hurt tomorrow; c) my anxiety is ratcheted sky-high because of all this, which makes being in freeway traffic minor hell (but at least I'm not driving); and d) I was going to get to have a knitting friend come visit and I had to cancel. :((((((

Edit: 3:51 and I'm out. Fix took five minutes. Once they found the right piece.

Fuck you with the pownr of a thousand burning suns

I had a 620-ish day duolingo streak going. The app had been behaving oddly (several skills not gold but "there's nothing to practice, try learning something new". But whatever, I worked on Past Tense 2, all is well.

Today, the app is not able to connect to duo. So I log into the site.

The site says I have no activity since Friday.

Dear duo: Fuck you forever.