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Sep. 6th, 2013 12:52 pmI have at least learned enough to (most of the time) realize that running out of cope is not my fault.
Training a new aide, and she keeps being convinced that she can do transfer maneuvers when she (thinks she) understands them, but understanding and doing are two different matters. Yesterday morning we got me on to the toilet ok, but couldn't get me back to the chair, and we ended up having to call someone to come help. She came last night for additional instruction; she was supposed to come this morning with a person that could be backup, but she decided after last night's session that she "understood" it and showed up alone. While she did have a better understanding of what to do, it ... wasn't enough. And we had to call one of my other aides, and wait for her to get across town, and by that point my foot was asleep, and so I couldn't really do much to help out with the transfers.
Yesterday I was perfectly able to cope. I knew, even if she didn't, that it always took aides a few days to get a good handle on the transfer. (My body is so very different than anyone else's. See also: the easiest way to pivot me upright when I am leaning back is to push on the back of my head. Neck and spine are thoroughly, solidly fused, and so that gives good leverage and doesn't hurt me. It's counter-intuitive, though.) I was able to stay cheerful, more for her sake than anything, and patient, and very "we will get this" levels of upbeat.
Today, less so. And now one of my other aides is here, and cleaning up, and I know that stuff needs cleaning up, and I want to have an organized space, but there is still a part of my brain having a "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF" meltdown, and with yesterday's and today's stuff on top of the consistent feeling of augh, I am very very low on cope.
And in the past, being out of cope has led to being out of self-cope; to irritation that I can't just grin and bear it, or to the nonlogic that since I dealt ok with things the last time X happened I should be able to deal with them now and it is a horrible flaw and personal weakness that I wasn't.
Today, somehow, I am managing not to feel that way. Just to sit with my inner toddler and kind of cuddle her, and I don't have to make impossible promises, like "everything will be better tomorrow" or anything, just kind of *be*.
I think this is progress.
Training a new aide, and she keeps being convinced that she can do transfer maneuvers when she (thinks she) understands them, but understanding and doing are two different matters. Yesterday morning we got me on to the toilet ok, but couldn't get me back to the chair, and we ended up having to call someone to come help. She came last night for additional instruction; she was supposed to come this morning with a person that could be backup, but she decided after last night's session that she "understood" it and showed up alone. While she did have a better understanding of what to do, it ... wasn't enough. And we had to call one of my other aides, and wait for her to get across town, and by that point my foot was asleep, and so I couldn't really do much to help out with the transfers.
Yesterday I was perfectly able to cope. I knew, even if she didn't, that it always took aides a few days to get a good handle on the transfer. (My body is so very different than anyone else's. See also: the easiest way to pivot me upright when I am leaning back is to push on the back of my head. Neck and spine are thoroughly, solidly fused, and so that gives good leverage and doesn't hurt me. It's counter-intuitive, though.) I was able to stay cheerful, more for her sake than anything, and patient, and very "we will get this" levels of upbeat.
Today, less so. And now one of my other aides is here, and cleaning up, and I know that stuff needs cleaning up, and I want to have an organized space, but there is still a part of my brain having a "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF" meltdown, and with yesterday's and today's stuff on top of the consistent feeling of augh, I am very very low on cope.
And in the past, being out of cope has led to being out of self-cope; to irritation that I can't just grin and bear it, or to the nonlogic that since I dealt ok with things the last time X happened I should be able to deal with them now and it is a horrible flaw and personal weakness that I wasn't.
Today, somehow, I am managing not to feel that way. Just to sit with my inner toddler and kind of cuddle her, and I don't have to make impossible promises, like "everything will be better tomorrow" or anything, just kind of *be*.
I think this is progress.
